I am trying to choose songs to record in studio. I just wrote this. Recorded on Zoom H4 using internal mics (tweaked in Kristal), sung live. Let me know what you think of this song, I need feedback. Love it, hate it, whatever do you think? I'm a serious songwriter, I can take it if you don't like it, I appreciate people taking time to give honest opinions.

Do you think this song will connect for people, as written? (The writing, not the recording, which is just a rough demo, done live.)

Hear the song, "Mama." A folk song.
http://www.ttmbandroom.com/Bill_Pittman/audio.php

Hey, Bill ... as to what makes one song a hit over the other, I have no idea - especially listening to today's C/W or Pop stuff ...
I have been listening to a fair amount of C/W lately - ever since Lydia became a big fan - and one thing I notice is that most of the songs tell a life story from beginning to end ... Your song(s) have that same quality and are quite easy to listen to ... I listened to about 7 of them and pretty much enjoyed them all ...
I don't know that I could offer much constructive criticism, but I do wish you the best of luck in your endeavor ...
BTW ... real nice 'pickin' ...
t.

Thanks, Tony, I am about to upload a new version. I have added a bridge.

And yes, that is my forte', if I have one... my new biz card says "master of the story song." Hopefully, an old fart like me can find a few fans along the way, I'm ramping it up.

OK, I'll take a go at it...

Bill, it sounds pretty standard, musically - it's basically verse chorus, rinse and repeat, and might could do with a bridge and more of a coda, but honestly, one of the things that doesn't help it is the key you are singing in, particularly as the line always tends to go down at the ends of phrases, often where you are putting the meat of your message. It sounds a bit too low for your voice, or you have to work hard on the enunciation of those tags.

But one of the things that sets the great songwriters apart, especially lyrically, is their ability to find internal rhymes or couplets, little turns of phrase WITHIN the line, not just at the ends. Although it seems like it, songwriting isn't telling a story... it's telling a story as a poem, or a skit, or an epic... Then magically, they find a way to get the music to reflect the rhythms of that poetry, to compliment the internal structure of the words.

Listen to Dylan, listen to Woody, listen to Springsteen. They don't just sing the story. They find a way to make it dance in your brain. Often it involves NOT saying what you mean, just an impression of what you mean. Let the listener make his own story, and it will resonate with him. Tell him YOUR story with no room for his own imagination, and he'll disconnect.

But please don't get me wrong. You asked for criticism, and, well, that's what I do! But I liked the song, the ideas behind it. It's just that it needs a bit of a lift, and it needs a bit of poetry, and I think it needs more than just ABABAB. I think you've got the START of a good song here, but a bit more work could turn it into something great.I DID like the guitar work, too. It works well to have it up that high, to contrast your voice.

I hope you take this all as constructive criticism, it isn't in any way intended to be a downer or slam. And ANY original music here is always good to see (and the no arranger part helps, too - a change is as good as a rest! ), so keep it up

Oops, just saw the bridge comment... well, at least we are on the same page!

Yeah, I did add that bridge I mentioned. But also, if you were to listen now to the most recent version, it's different from the first... but, I have already rewritten the bridge and done another recording!

The key... yes, I agree. I recorded that this morning and my voice is never warmed up. I have since moved it up three half-steps on the most recent try tonight.

Internal rhymes... yep... except that I write constantly and if every song sounded the same, it wouldn't work. I've written over 300 songs, I'm quite serious about this. If you were to listen to "Suzi The Rebel" song on that same page I mentioned, you would see many internal rhymes. I do it quite often, I just can't do it on every song, else it gets old.

I keep working on the mama song, I think I will get it there.

[This message has been edited by SemiLiveMusic (edited 03-02-2010).]